I'm embarking on what I'm calling "a committed, monogamous (for now) relationship with myself." The option to make this an open relationship in the future is likely... 😉 but for now.. It's time to get serious with my one and only. Me.
If you're like me - you might understand how complex this is. I love who I am, I love what I can offer, and what I get to experience being alive. And. There's more. There's a searching, a not quite- rightness inside. A not quite, truly satisfied - always looking side (whether I want to admit it or not) who craves affirmation from someone I love.
Personally, I think loving someone - anyone- and being loved back is one the most exquisite experiences we are allowed as humans.
And. And.... then there's the self.
So while I'm diving into this - I'm taking note. I'm noticing and purposefully acknowledging whatever comes up for me in this process. Some of it is beautiful. I am discovering how satisfying it is to hold my relationship with myself - in every way- like I would a relationship with a lover. I feel more patient, more compassionate, and certainly more generous with myself as a result.
Some of it is painful. I'm noticing that when I step away from a sense of connection with other people - in an attempt to come closer into myself- I hear an internal voice about who I am I hadn't really noticed before. Not REALLY anyways. Thoughts about worthiness, about my physical appearance. My 'want-ability' ...
The longer I listen, the more I see how complex these thoughts are. They are intertwined with experiences- both affirming of my worth and beauty, as well as those moments that did the opposite. The unkind thoughts sit parallel with beliefs about myself that I treasure, and honestly, tend to favor. The balance of these thoughts - kind and unkind- seem to be the foundation, the constellation, of my own self image.
So I asked myself. "How do I change a thought I've been having about my body since I was ten years old?"
I know- as I'm sure you do- where my insecurities are. Ive pleaded with them, attempted to dress them up, pushed them away, and had moments of truce with them... but largely they remain as they have since I was barely a teenager.
I came onto this planet unfettered. Joyful. So very loving. And that only deepens as I grow. I recognize that these unkindnesses I hold against myself are like weights on my back. They serve me little- except perhaps in this experience right now, of embracing and giving them attention.
So here is my question to you. How have you grown into new perspectives, new love, for yourself? How DOES one evolve thoughts they've held for over half of their lives?
I'd love your stories, recommendations for books you've read, moments of clarity - any insights that have helped you have a more whole, loving and committed relationship with yourself.