What will it take for me to complete my divorce with peace, ease and gratitude?
So this morning I had a call about finalizing the details of my divorce. It was an emotionally charged conversation for me, and I’m a stand for ending our marriage with peace and ease. This has been a challenging endeavor and when I slow down my mind of good/bad, right/wrong conversations I always settle back into gratitude. Bill provided so much for me and our family during our time together. We both gave the best we had. In March of 2015 we mutually agreed to end our marriage and we thought it was going to end amicably. We did pretty well for 6 months and then during the winter of 2015/16 it became so volatile. We both said and acted out in ways that were not in alignment with who we both are. It was excruciatingly painful. And now that the dust has settled, all I want is peace. I want to be able to be grateful for our 15 year partnership, I want both of us to move forward and create lives we love.
On the first day of spring I felt my life was returning to me. Spending time away from Bill was good. I took the time to care for myself in ways that I never did when we were together. I started experiencing my natural rhythms again. How I wanted to spend my time, how I wanted to make money and what was important to me. During this time I was still making Bill wrong. I read the book Conscious Uncoupling and worked with a coach who took me through a 6 week course that covered the books distinctions. It was just what I needed. We went through several exercises that helped me navigate my pain and anger. I received so much value from our time together.
But it didn’t really hit me until a few weeks ago when I was having severe stomach pains for several days. I hold the belief that my thoughts and beliefs impact my physiology so I kept asking my stomach what the pain was about? And then it came to me, “I can’t stomach being so angry with Bill.” Harboring resentments and judgments towards him was literally hurting me. And that’s when the distinctions of the book resonated. The only way to end the relationship amicably is if I take 100% responsibility for what I brought to the marriage that had it not work. I could spend days, months and years making him wrong for all the things "he didn’t do" but the truth is there’s no power in that. I want to see what I brought that had the relationship not work, heal it so I don’t bring it forward into my next relationship. So I started with the list of all the judgments I had about him and then turned them around as if they were judgments I had about myself. Low and behold, ALL of them were true.
Bill didn’t love me in the way I needed and I rarely had the experience of him loving me. TRUTH: I didn’t love myself in the way I needed, and I rarely had the experience of me loving myself.
Bill didn’t see my value; he didn't acknowledge and celebrate all of time , effort and love I brought to our family, our home and our businesses. TRUTH: I didn’t see my value, and I didn't acknowledge and celebrate all of my time, effort and love I brought to our family, our home and our businesses.
The list was long, you get the idea :)
The second I completed the list my stomach pains disappeared and they haven’t returned. So here’s what I’m creating: We complete our divorce legally, both feeling good with what we decide and then move forward with no resentment or bitterness. We both settle into our new places and focus on moving forward. We enjoy seeing each other at our kids events and celebrations. I am standing that I will love and accept whoever he decides to partner with, welcoming her into our life, extending gratitude for how she contributes to him and our kids. This commitment feels so good to me. Every time I envision this future I'm moved to tears, This is how I know that it's in alignment with who I am. Will it be challenging, maybe, but maybe not?
What I am certain of is that taking 100% responsibility for my part in our relationship is the only way through and this is the way I’m choosing to complete my divorce with peace, ease and gratitude.
Photo: One of my favorite pictures of me and Bill.